emmay239 asked: I hope your ok and that you have a boyfriend that respects you and thinks your funny and beautiful and smart and strong and any guy in their right mind would like you soo dont sell yourself short. just know youll always be my best friend no matter how you change, and ill never care for another person just the way i care for you. Because thats what you told me.
i love you so much. thank you, that really means a lot to me. i miss you very much, call me sometime I’d love to hear how you’re doing, every little detail :)
— Deepak Chopra (via eastatlanta)
I really can’t complain but sometimes I still do… I have been through a lot since september of 2010. I was only 15. Now I’m almost 18 and just in those few years difference so much has changed. I have a beautiful 7 month baby boy. I know I’m not the best mom in the world but I still thank God every day for that wonderful gift He gave me. Sean Gabriel is perfect. It’s amazing to watch him grow so much, and he will continue to do so and continue to make me proud. He already has two teeth that he likes to show off when he flashes his beautiful smile. He hardly ever cries unless he wants his way, he’s already learned how to manipulate lol. I love him so much. I don’t have too many true friends, I learned the hard way which ones are real and which ones aren’t, but I’m so thankful for the ones that I do have that always have my back. I would rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. I’m thankful that I have learned to smile through all the bullshit life’s thrown at me and made me into a stronger person. I’m thankful that I have music, which has always inspired me since I was little. I know most people do love music, but for me it is a necessity, like breathing. I specifically want to thank Slug of Atmosphere (Sean Michael Daley) for being my idol and inspiration and that his music has helped me through some of the hardest times of my life and always been there for me when nothing else was. That is the reason why I named my son Sean, after him. Gabriel comes from the archangel in heaven. I don’t even really know what to write about I just feel like writing and it’s been awhile. It helps me collect my thoughts and put them together into words that flow together and you may not understand them cause it’s all just floating thoughts and fragments and pictures in time with my own soundtrack. and at this point where I’m losing you, this is where I let you go… I’m seeing somebody new now. Someone I never would have thought I would be with before, or given a chance to. I’m very glad I did though because he makes me really happy and we help each other out with a lot of stuff. I’ve got his back and he’s got mine. I understand him and he understands me. He’s very open but his heart is closed. He is funny, sweet, and sentimental. He has a bit of a temper. He has a horrible past and has done a lot of wrong things but he has learned from them and they have made him grow into the man he is today, and the man he’s becoming. I know he will stay clean because he wants it so badly, he has had to run his life into the ground over and over to realize the drug way is the wrong way. I know he’s got it this time. He is very strong willed I know he can do it. He doesn’t see himself the way I see him. I think he’s beautiful, and I can kiss his scars cause those are the reminder that his past is real and to not ever re-live it. To take things one day at a time and move forward, to know life is gonna throw some curve balls but to be ready to endure whatever is coming his way, and I will help him through it just like I know he would for me. I don’t know how people don’t see what I see when I look at him. Sure he’s got a bad track record but that doesn’t mean anything. The person you are is determined by what’s in your heart, not what you do when you are desperate to get high. That shit stole his soul but it’s not gone forever he is getting it back and I want him to keep it cause he has a beautiful soul. He’s got a smile that lights up a room. He’s got a heart of gold. He is loving and giving and caring and selfless and compassionate. He needs to learn to be a little more patient though. He can’t stay on task or the same subject ever and he drives me crazy but at the same time I think it’s so cute. He is beautiful and every day I like him more. I like to sit and listen to him talk, he is always passionate about what he talks about and it makes me happy. I’m so proud of him for how far he’s come and I want to help him stay focused and make a good life for himself. He’s so funny, he is such a clown, sometimes his jokes are innappropriate and make me irritated but I can’t deny they are funny. He is truly one of a kind. His silly voices and immature jokes are just part of who he is and I accept that. I accept him 100% for who he is and wouldn’t want to change a thing, not even his past, and not even the fact that he has a notorious and horrible reputation. And back to me, my life is good. For the first time in a long time I feel like things are starting to fall into place and I feel genuinely happy and wake up each day feeling thankful to be alive. I used to wake up and hate my life, another day another struggle. I hated being lied to, used, abused, and manipulated. That part of my life is now dead and gone and I won’t let any guy ever make me feel that way again. I have self worth and I deserve better. I’m going back to school next week, finally a senior, I’m a little nervous. Not about the social part at all, I’ve always done well in that department and I don’t care what people think about me, I’m just nervous because I know I can’t afford to fail again. Freshmen year I did horrible in school, I didn’t care about anything except having fun and I flunked a lot of classes. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of that but at least I can be honest about it. My head was so far up my ass back then and I was so busy trying to find myself that I wasn’t thinking about my future. Same with sophomore year, after going to rehab then I got preganant. I decided to keep my son and I’m happy I did but now I have the responsibility of another persons life on my hands, an innocent and helpless life. I will do my best not to let him down. I brought him into this world so I have to be responsible for him and grow up. I’m so lucky and blessed to have two great support teams to help me with that. I didn’t go to school junior year because half the year I was pregnant and the other half I had a newborn. I’m going back to school this year for senior year, and not only do I have to do my senior year and make decent grades, I also have to make up my junior year at the same time, and also simultaniously make up the credits from the few classes I flunked freshman and sophomore year. I know I’m intelligent and I know I can do it, I just have to stay focused and not get side-tracked. I need to fully commit myself to school and also being a mother. I know for a year I won’t be able to give my son my full attention but that’s only because I need to focus on school which is in his best interest so that later on in life I can provide for him. It will be a very long and busy year but it will be worth it once I get my diploma so I can create a good life for Sean and for myself. I wanted to get a job this year but I know that would just be too much for me to handle between overtime school, being a mom, and balancing my time with family, friends, and my boy. But I do have a plan and I’m gonna stick to it and hope for the best cause that’s all I can do. I will make it happen though, I won’t give up even if I have to work my ass off I’m finally ready to act like a responsible adult and do that. My time for playing around is over, it’s time to get my shit together. Whoever supports me with that and wants to be part of my life is more than welcome but I’m just done with the immature childish drama. I’m at a different point in my life now, I don’t need that shit. I love my family and friends and I love my life, it’s not perfect, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I still love it. I’m metamorphosing into the person that I want to be. And no one can take that away from me :)