DISCLAIMER: this journal is me. this is who i am. i don’t care if I offend you. If you don’t like it. go away. It’s funny having a “public journal” but not having anyone really know about it, you don’t think its going to get out to the entire world. It makes you feel.. vulnerable and.. weak. Nobody’s supposed to know what’s my kryptonite except me. :] I figured I wanted to start a fresh journal though. Chapter 2 if you will. Love me or hate me, you obviously care enough to read. Here I will express my emotions and deep thoughts. But mostly I’ll just talk about my days and this is now my diary room. :D stay tuned, this thing will be changing as constantly as i am. ♥ maddie
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Oh, if you'd like to ask me something, just click the ask me anything button. Be tasteful, or it won't be posted. • Ask me anything
• Submit damage control †
paper has more patience than people
The hardships of pregnancy vs. parenting: well neither of them are exactly easy. being pregnant is hard cause you’re insecure about your huge belly and feel gross compared to every other girl you used to outshine. you’re hormonal as shit. your body’s changing in so many ways you can’t keep up with them and it still comes as a shock every time. once your baby’s born, your hormones go back to normal and you get your body back, so things are better but they’re also harder cause when you’re pregnant you can still sleep whenever you want (well kind of, it’s hard with the backaches, stomachaches and shortness of breath) but basically you’re free to do what you want. once your baby’s born you hardly get any sleep, i even got sick from being so overtired, and you’re not free anymore. any time you leave the house even to go for a 5 minute walk, you have to have someone to watch your baby. sometimes you don’t even have time to shower or go to the bathroom cause the baby requires so much attention. you learn to become unselfish and put his needs before yours. i can’t clean my room like i want to cause i have to feed and change sean. i’m very grateful i have all the help and support i do so i can still go out and do things. my family and michaels are so helpful. whenever Sean smiles and his cute little dimples show i know why i do it. ever since he was born things changed between michael and i though. we’re still in love but it’s different. well, it’s still better than when i was pregnant, but i guess you go through different stages. first couple months there’s the honeymoon stage where you just can’t fathom your life without that person and they mean everything to you. you’re so naive and gullible you believe everything they say, because you think they’re the most godlike person in the world and that they’ll never hurt you. and when they do hurt you, you just tell yourself it’ll never happen again. but you learn to forgive even if they don’t deserve your forgiveness because you don’t want to lose them. then as time goes by your feelings grow deeper, stronger, and more meaningful and that means you’ll probably start to fight more. a lot of people think if you fight you have a bad relationship but that’s not true (unless you’re fighting all the time.) fighting is a sign of emotion and is not always a bad thing. it’s just how you resolve is that matters. we were only dating for four months before i got pregnant, we were still in the honeymoon stage. we thought we knew everything about each other when it turns out there was so much that we didn’t know. after that, things obviously got stressful for reasons i won’t mention, but we fought a lot. after we resolved those issues over a period of months, he was so appreciative of me that i was still with him and supporting him after what he did to me and what i put up with, but i did it because i love him and i forgave him, over and over. after that i was never the same and i didn’t trust him anymore, and i still don’t, so that puts stress on our relationship because we argue about me questioning him all the time. i guess i’ve just got to learn to “go with the flow” but that’s something that needs to be earned. you are NOT entitled to trust or respect, and once you lose it it takes time and consistency to earn back. once i finally started to trust him again he blew it. twice. I still forgave him and stuck by him even though that was unimaginably hard, especially after the way he treated me and tried to blame it all on me. but I know i’m not perfect either. I don’t blame myself for his actions, however I know I don’t make things easy on him, but that’s good because I truly love him and THAT is why I’m hard on him. you get angry at the people you truly care about when they’re screwing up because you expect better from them. If I didn’t get mad that would be bad because it would mean that I don’t care. anger is a form of love in its own weird way. things are just so up and down lately. we’ve set rules and boundaries for each other so that we won’t get mad at each other. if you’re truly in love with someone you put their needs before yours, and you’d be willing to do whatever it takes to be with that person. real relationships are hard and take effort, especially with a baby involved because we’re a family now. even though i might say mean things to his face, I never would behind his back cause i’m not two faced, and if anyone else said anything bad about him I’d kick their ass. people are going to live their lives the way they want to, that’s not under anyone’s control but their own, however people can influence you to do the things you do, but ultimately you make the choice. I know I influence him in a positive way, and usually he respects my feelings so he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I just wish things could go back to normal sometimes. Not the way they were back then cause it was good but it was all a lie. I’d rather live a shitty truth than a happy lie any day. we’re making progress but we still have a long way to go. you can either give up or do whatever it takes to get through it, and i’m not a quitter. especially not on someone i love. people always say “why do you give him so many chances when there’s someone out there that hasn’t even gotten one?” the answer is simple. love and dedication. If people just broke up every time one of them fucked up or they had a fight or disagreement, NO ONE would stay married. you work through your problems like responsible adults. That is, if you’re willing to do anything to be with that person. If you’re not in love with them anymore it’s a different story, but for us that’s not the case. We shouldn’t take each other for granted, we should help each other through hard times and appreciate each other every day. It’s the little things that show how much you care, and actions speak louder than words. we’ve been in bad situations many times before but it doesn’t mean that things won’t ever get better. but in order for them to get better we have to take a different approach cause the old one doesn’t work. we had to run that into the ground time and time again to figure that out. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. so talk it out when you’re mad instead of ignoring the problem. holding onto anger doesn’t do any good for anyone. don’t say things you don’t mean because words hurt and you can’t take them back. treat each other with respect, give each other space to cool down when you’re worked up. the longer you’re in a relationship, your love grows from puppy love to infinite love, and you’ll fight and disagree from time to time but you’ll work through it. so guys, if you love your girl, swallow your pride and genuinely apologize even if you don’t think you’re wrong. It will mean the world to her. kiss her and tell her you love her and you won’t do it again. mean what you say and say what you mean. be honest even if you think it’ll get you in trouble. you always get off easier when you tell the truth rather than a lie. It’s been almost 16 months now and it hasn’t been easy. he’s not perfect and I’m not either. he has helped me through my hard times and I have helped him through his. we are two different people. we fight like crazy, but we always make up. even when the hole seems too dark and deep to crawl out of, we find a way. we will always keep coming back to each other because even though sometimes you may want to kill the person, you love them. even when you hate them, you love them, and when you touch them, you feel the best part of you being touched. I know I drive him crazy with my insecurities and raging hormones and accusations, but he loves me because I challenge him, and I make him want to do better. I make him want to BE better. I gave him the beautiful gift of a child. an angel of a boy. so next time we get in a fight or I feel like he doesn’t care, I’ll remember this. I’ll remember the time I went to pick him up from his house when we were fighting because I wanted to make up and cheer him up. I was trying to be nice but he bitched me out and made me cry. I drove home in tears and as soon as I got home, I went for a walk and was gonna run away before he would even know I was gone. 15 minutes after leaving my house, I hear him call my name. It was dark out and I was in a hidden field. I never thought he’d find me. I didn’t think he’d even know i was missing unless my parents called him and told him, but they didn’t have to. after we left his house and I went home crying, he thought about it and realized he was wrong. I was just trying to make things right and he was being a dick. he realized that and he got dropped off at my house before I even made it back home. It makes sense because as we were pulling up to my house, my mom thought she saw his car driving down the street, but I said no way it wouldn’t be him, he doesn’t care about me or want to come over. I was crying so hard by the time i got to my house that i wouldn’t go inside, I just got out of the car and started walking, and he found me. here I was, didn’t even think he loved me or cared about me cause i was trying to reach out to him and he pushed me away, but there I was all alone in the dark and cold, and he found me and hugged me and told me he loved me and that he was sorry and that he was wrong. I didn’t even think he’d know or care that I was missing. If only I’d gone inside my house, he was waiting for me in my room. he swallowed his pride, realized he was wrong, and came back for me. It’s the little things like that that make it all worth it. Like how he knows i get thirsty in the middle of the night so he puts a glass of juice on the nightstand. even though we’ve been bickering a lot lately because I’ve been bitching at him, I’m not going to be angry at him for acting distant because I know he’s going through a really hard time right now and is under a lot of pressure, and I don’t need to create any more of that for him. Instead I’m going to support him and be there for him, and even though he isn’t talking to me right now, I’m going to do the adult thing and apologize when he gets here. even though he left me crying this morning and never came when he said he would, I stopped to think that I’m not the only one that’s going through shit. maybe he stood me up because he didn’t want to hang out with me cause of how bitchy I’ve been towards him. (think from both sides.) I wouldn’t wanna hang around a “negative nancy” either. sure, what he did is wrong, but he ditched me to work on school, not go get fucked up with friends or anything like that, so how can I really get mad about that. he feels accomplished when he gets his stuff done, so I should be happy for him and just be happy that he’s happy. It’s just a little irritating how he couldn’t get a ride over and he wouldn’t walk to my house because he said he didn’t want to get more sick, but he’ll bike to his house and back to get cigarettes, even though he would be in the cold for just as long a period of time. He loves cigarettes more than he loves me. FML. well, either way I know we will work out our problems that we have now, and all the ones to come in the future, all because of a little thing we call love, and I know he’d do the same for me. he’s my weakness and I’m his. To let yourself have a weakness and vulnerability, I think you have to be pretty strong. “You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. but if she loves you now, what else matters? she’s not perfect, you aren’t either. and the two of you may never be perfect together. but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. she may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. so don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”
so this week’s updates: sean grasped and held his first object (a yellow easter egg), then he threw it after he got bored with it. my mom, michael, my siblings and i took him out to dinner for the first time and he loved it. went shopping with mom. i drove for the first time (yes i know i’m really late)… and I just feel really happy and grateful for everything overall. not taking anything for granted. tomorrow my mom and i are getting our hair and nails done and then we’re all going to the zoo with michael and the baby. it’s gonna be really cute to see his face when he sees all the animals :) and then we’re going to visit beautiful miss kelsey and baby kayden :D
lindseyrknodel asked: i cant wait to meet your son and he is going to be the biggest life changing thing you will go through but it will be the most amazing gift ever. you are such an amazing girl and i wish we were closer. i miss hanging out with you and i hope that everything goes well with the baby. dont forget i am always here if you need anything! (: i love you girl and i wish you the best of luck! (: <3
lindseyrknodel asked: i love you girl and i am so amazed on everything you are doing. i absolutely love your tumblr because you are so real and you say everything how it is. you are such an amazing beautiful girl and i am so proud of you and what you are doing madison. you are going to be the most amazing mother there is because you know exactly what you want to do and you are going to do anything to make sure it happens.
